“easyJet have announced that following the news that British Airways cabin crew are set to take industrial action, the airline will offer British Airways Executive Gold card holders free speedy boarding plus (priority check-in and boarding) on the days that BA crew strike.

“Paul Simmons, easyJet’s UK general manager, said: “We believe that our award winning service and amazingly low-fares will attract even more BA passengers to fly with easyJet. This is a golden opportunity for BA’s Executive Club card holders to try our Speedy Boarding product – after which, they will never look back.”

If you say so. It’s now likely that Sky Marshall O’Leary has the Ryanair marketing team locked in a cellar, thrashing them at regular intervals until they come up with an outrageously childish promotion to strike back with. In fact, we imagine a situation at Ryanair HQ not too dissimilar to this:

The ad features a black man repeating everything a white man says in song while playing a ukulele. The ASA have ruled that the commercial breached the advertising code on using harmful or negative stereotypes. Watch the ad below… it is a bit ‘yes masser‘.

The ASA looked at the relationship between the two characters and felt it “was defined as the power of the white man over the black man”, because of the difference in their dress and the way the black man was portrayed as less intelligent in that he repeated everything the white man said, even “Thank you, Tito”.

Tombola Bingo, an online business which also sponsors ITV1 soap ‘Emmerdale’, said it did not intend to use the ad again. Of course, thanks to the wonder of the internet, we can watch it over and over until we get indigestion.

[BrandRepublic]

There’s no subtlety here, no reading between the lines – if you don’t wear Old Spice, you’re not a real man, you’ll always come second, your breath almost certainly stinks and you’ve probably got a dodgy ankle as well. You tit.

The message is that you need to get yourself some new Old Spice Matterhorn – a mountain of freshness that will sprout out from your armpit and lead you down the road marked ‘success.’

In fact, the blurb from Old Spice themselves explains it perfectly – they say: “This commercial explores many important themes in a mans life, including freshness, exotic travels, successorizing, long-haired blonde ladies, snow preparedness and buying things.”

You see, Andy’s a grumpy twat who can’t abide his neighbours and so prefers not to talk to them. Mof shuts the curtains in the living room when he’s watching The Old Grey Whistle Test on the widescreen tv, and I like to pay for stuff down the shops with cash rather than a debit card because I’m up past my eyes in debt. See? Bang to rights. Based on this evidence, you should contact the authorities immediately and tell them we’re planning to kill someone.

The thing is, we’re not even taking the piss. This is a recorded promo taken from talkSPORT, the national radio station for white van drivers:

We’ll be honest, we haven’t listened to talkSPORT ourselves to verify the ad for fear of self-harming as a consequence, but we’ve confirmed similar messages have been broadcast on other London-based radio stations. (Nor are we advocating the views of the website that posted the YouTube video, since it talks of shadow organisations and “the world moving towards global centralised governance” – it all sounds a step away from Icke)

Concern about suspicious activity is one thing; insisting everyone play citizen spy and report neighbours who enjoy their privacy is quite another. Remember London’s Orwellian surveillance posters? Even a the crime of being a photographer in a street is a step too far. Going out in public appears to pose a security risk, but if you stay at home and don’t give up your right to privacy, you’re a terrorist!

It’s still a little ambiguous, however; are they suggesting terrorists can go undetected by making small talk, opening their curtains and applying for a credit card? Let’s hope they never work that out. And thank the lord companies don’t give away credit cards like lollypops, eh?

There’s more helpful information for spotting a terrorist on the Metropolitan Police website:

Terrorists need to travel – Meetings, training and planning can take place anywhere. Do you know someone who travels but is vague about where they’re going?

Yes. Men who are having yankee doodle in the Premier Inn at Grantham with somebody other than their wife.

Terrorists need communication – Anonymous, pay-as-you-go and stolen mobiles are typical. Have you seen someone with large quantities of mobiles? Has it made you suspicious?

Yes. Mobile phone salesmen have large quantities of mobiles. And men who are having yankee doodle with somebody other than their wife usually have more than one phone.

Terrorists use computers…

It’s you! You’re using a computer, you’re a terrorist! Christ almighty, where’s my phone? What’s that number I have to call, the one on the Metropolitan Police website? Now I’m using a computer – I’m a terrorist too! Fuck!

All of these and many more can be found over at HotUKDeals, but then you already knew that didn’t you?

Hoots mon! It’s St Patrick’s Day today, giving us even more of an excuse to either go out or stay in and pour Irish stout down our necks until we either pass out or our eyes start to bleed. It’s all about the craic and that innit?

The leading brand of St Patrick’s Day booze is of course Guinness but don’t forget the Murphy’s as well. In fact, if you’re looking to get as many as ten draught cans for as little as only £4.97, then Murphy’s is probably your only option.

The next major celebration with a strong consumerist slant is Easter of course, and here’s the latest on the egg wars that are raging in supermarkets around the land.

Right now you can get a six-pack of Cadburys Creme Eggs for a stunning £1.34 (about 22p per egg) – it’s a recipe for a sickly feast and if washed down with some of that Murphy’s, a potential life-changer. There’s also large eggs out there for £2.00 each and iddle tiddly ones for only 96p.

Finally today, a chance to snap up an Apple MacBook Pro for the relatively cheap price of £778.99. Add in some codes and Quidco and you could bring it down even further, to somewhere in the region of £755.

Be warned though – it’ll probably be outmoded as soon as you get it as Apple are rumoured to be updating their MacBook range in the not-too-distant future. But you wouldn’t be buying a MacBook solely because you wanted some kind of flashy status symbol would you…?

(deals found by HUKD members ianstanley, don’tdothatagain, awilko and adsldave)

An admiral, yesterday

Which! (we prefer the exclamation mark to the question mark – makes them sound more dynamic, like Wham!) have made a pretty serious allegation against Admiral Insurance.

They have claimed that Admiral, who include Bell, Diamond and elephant.co.uk as part of their group of insurers, are charging more to drivers who were born outside of the UK.

Which! claim that this is in breach of the Race Relations Act but the claim has been rejected by Admiral, who when we rang them, were playing a tape of ‘Ebony And Ivory’ while we were on hold. No, not really.

As part of their investigation, Which! obtained quotes from four Admiral brands and 15 other major providers for two scenarios where the only difference was whether or not the applicant was born in the UK. It said the Admiral insurers were the only ones in its research to ask “have you lived in the UK since birth?” and then charge a higher premium for those who answered “no” where all other factors remained the same. Wowsers!

Admiral had declined to comment last night but it is believed that they have stated in the past that some of their best friends are black and even gay in a couple of cases.

Again, no, not really.

Blockbuster has been trying to flog its UK and European operations for some time, and it’s now looking likely it’ll have to put up its Canadian stores as collateral for the business, because the company has failed to secure bank credit to bankroll new stock. Without the additional funding, there’s an question as to whether Blockbuster can keep supplying new releases, which is kind of the whole point of it existing.

The supply issues are one of a number of factors that may see Blockbuster seeking bankruptcy protection, and that raising cash to purchase stock using its own stores as collateral may be the only way forward. In February, the company’s auditors warned that Blockbuster may not be able to continue as a going concern if its cash situation didn’t improve. To be fair, I don’t see the world mourning the loss.

Just as well, because that wasn’t what they got. Instead, the OFT fluffed on about nothing in particular, apart for some stuff about the banks giving customers the option not to be able to exceed their overdraft limit at all, and therefore incur no charges.

Sounds interesting, until you realise that the banks were mournfully warning that anyone who DID exceed the limit that couldn’t be exceeded could find that it impacts on their credit rating. Oh, so that’s not really an improvement at all.

HSBC have already announced a new account that operates along these lines – the HSBC Bank Account Pay Monthly “features a strict overdraft limit that cannot be exceeded unless the bank has formally agreed a higher limit beforehand.” Yours for a monthly fee of only £15.

The OFT parped on about the fact that the banks had been doing their bit in bringing down the level of charges from obscene to just deeply unpleasant, with charges for a bounced cheque or other payment dropping from £34 to an average of £17.

Marc Gander of the Consumer Action Group said the OFT had “nothing to cheer about or to congratulate itself about,” adding, “Despite its powers and its influence, the OFT has achieved very little.”

“It has been defeated on the test case charges issue because it allowed itself to be corralled into dealing with a very narrow point of law and despite a very clear signal from the Supreme Court that there were another more realistic routes to make a challenge on behalf of bank customers, it has declined to do so.”

But if you still think that the OFT are just a toothless, meandering bunch of old duffers, wait until you read this. They’ll be keeping a careful eye on the banks over the next two years and if customers are still getting a raw deal by THEN, they’ll definitely consider doing something about it.

Keep on believing!

In other news, here’s some cock flavoured soup and Best Shito hot pepper sauce:

As spotted in ASDA in Slough by avid Bitterwallet reader Mark. What do you mean, you’ve seen it before? Balls to you, sir. We’re washed up hacks and too drunk to type. It’s all we have to give.

And now, the motorist in you should brace itself for record high petrol prices this year. According to research by the AA, the cost of unleaded fuel will leap to £1.20 a litre or more.

The Very Nice Men say that those who are skint will be hit hard by the predicted price jump and, subsequently, asked the chancellor, Alistair Darling, to hold fire on the introduction of a 3p hike in petrol duty, due on 1st April.

On average, you’re paying just over £1.15 for a litre of petrol at the moment (feel free to say if you’re paying more in the comments). The AA reckon that’s more likely to be  £1.20 by next month, which number fans, is over £5.40 a gallon. Before long, drivers may as well power their cars on rocking-horse shit.

According to the Guardian, figures show that the average petrol bill for a two-car family has already gone up by £52 per month to £245 in the past year.

The AA’s president, Edmund King, said: “The UK is barely out of recession, yet petrol threatens to rise to record prices seen during the boom of 2008, shortly before the collapse into recession. If families, drivers on fixed incomes and those on low pay were unable to cope with prices then, they are even less likely now.”

Lindsay Hoyle, a Labour MP on the Commons business select committee who is also a man with a girl’s name, called the increase a “complete disgrace”. Speaking to the Telegraph, he said: “Yes, crude oil has gone up this year, but nothing like the rise in petrol prices. Motorists are being legally mugged at the forecourt by petrol companies.”

Vent now.

A suspected Facebook stalking man, earlier

Is it me, or does threatening to ‘aggressively disabling’ sound a bit dodgy? Just me? Several variants of these “stalker apps” have appeared on Facebook in recent days seeing unwitting/witless users helping to spread rogue software by attempting to install it.

Among the applications that have now been given the heave-ho are “Stalker Check”, and “Who has visited my profile”. Quite why you’d want to see who has been visiting your profile is a bit of a mystery… but then again, why anyone would want to constantly bombard everyone else with stuff about shitty virtual farms and pretend Mafia turf wars is another complete baffler (and source of immense irritation).

In a statement, Facebook said: “Don’t believe any applications that claim they can show you who’s viewing your profile or photo. They can’t.”

Naturally, these apps have been created to make money for the designers by forcing would-be users to view advertising. That said, there’s the chance that those who sign up could be redirected to sites containing viruses and malicious software.

Maybe Facebook should look into a system similar to Apple’s App Store where everything that goes through the site should be vetted first. However, that seems unlikely.

Speaking to the BBC last March, Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg said: “There will occasionally be some applications that people don’t like. Our philosophy is that having an open system anyone can participate in is generally better.”

[Newsbeat] ]]> http://www.bitterwallet.com/facebook-to-remove-stalker-applications/26892/feed 3 http://www.bitterwallet.com/facebook-to-remove-stalker-applications/26892 http://feeds.bitterwallet.com/~r/bitterwallet/~3/4RcHLwR39RI/26863 http://www.bitterwallet.com/easyjet-uks-most-popular-airline-ryanair-on-the-offensive/26863#comments Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:00:59 +0000 Paul Smith http://www.bitterwallet.com/?p=26863 easyJet is the most popular airline in the UK, ladies and gentlemen. That’s according to this just in – from easyJet. The press release also refers to easyJet as the ‘UK’s national airline’, no doubt an example of calculated posturing amongst the strike turmoil for flag-bearing British Airways.

According to the figures provided by the Civil Aviation Authority, in 2009 easyJet carried 28,147,268 passengers – ’significantly more than any other airline’ according to the press release. Except it isn’t really, at least not according to the same set of figures which show Ryanair in second place with 28,095,201 UK passengers. That’s a difference of 52,067 passengers, or less than 0.2 per cent – hardly a difference that can be described as significant.

The press release puts British Airways is third with 26,274,056 passengers carried in 2009, although that figure is adjusted to strip out journeys made by transfer passengers. After that, there’s fresh air between BA and fourth place BMI (6.8 million) and fifth place FlyBe (6.75 million).

Interestingly, easyJet deliberately avoids describing themselves as ‘the UK’s favourite airline’; the press release uses the terms ‘the UK’s national airline’ and ‘the UK’s most popular airline‘. Of course Ryanair refers to itself as ‘Britain’s favourite airline’, thus opening of another can of ambiguous worms; favourite isn’t the same as popular, while Britain isn’t the same as the UK.

It’s all ammunition for the upcoming airline dogfight that’s intensifying between easyJet and Ryanair; after challenging the airline’s Stelios Haji-Ioannou to an idiotic ‘Sumo Smackdown’ in Trafalgar Square, Sky Marshall O’Leary is now blowing air out his hole about easyJet’s refusal to publish punctuality figures for its services. O’Leary might have a point, but what kind of businessman puts his name to a press release like this?

“Stelios has so far failed to take up Ryanair’s challenge of a race around Trafalgar Square, or a wheelbarrow race, or even a sumo wrestling bout where Stelios’ obvious talents would give him a significant advantage…”

“Stelios obviously can’t run, but he can’t hide either.”

HE’S FAT, WE GET IT, MICHAEL. Bravo to you, sir, for taking the piss out of people for being overweight – a courageous move, for sure. Sadly, it’s difficult to care much when you yourself come across as an appallingly offensive jumped-up shit of a man.